Atheists in Jail
By SCOTT ADAMS / DILBERT.BLOG
Added: Mon, 29 Jan 2007 00:00:00 UTC
Thanks to Mathias for the link.
Have you ever wondered what percentage of prison inmates are atheists? It must be a lot, given that non-believers have no moral center and spend most of their days robbing, and killing, and sodomizing farm animals. That's what you do when you have no morality.
According to Adherents.com, 16% of the world's 6.25 billion people are non-religious. That includes atheists, agnostics, and secular humanists. That's just over 1 billion godless (and Budahless) infidels.
According to http://www.homeoffice.gov.uk/rds/pdfs2/r188.pdf, there are 8.75 million people in jail in the entire world. And that includes people who haven't been convicted. Hmm. That seems too low by about, um, a billion infidels that should be behind bars.
But let's add to the people in jail the ones who have already served their time, and the ones who simply haven't yet been caught. Excuse me while I take off my pants and yank that number out of my ass.
Okay, got it.
That's a total of 25 million evil-doers in the world.
Wait, I feel another number in my ass. I think it's the percentage of people in jail who ARE religious. It's at least two-thirds, wouldn't you agree? So that means that the other one-third of the 25 million evil-doers is non-religious. That's a bit over 8 million non-religious people doing evil, worldwide.
In other words, only 8 million of the 1 BILLION non-believers who damned well SHOULD be in prison are actually there. There is only one conclusion that I can draw from this rigorous scientific analysis: Atheists are lazy.
As a non-believer, I can tell you that the only reason I don't kill people is the difficulty in disposing the bodies. First you have to clean up the blood. Then you have to drag the victim to a carpet and roll him up. Then you have to drag it to the car late at night. Then you have to drive the body and the carpet to the mountains and bury it. Then you have to buy a new carpet. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. And that assumes you already HAVE a shovel.
I think I speak for all non-believers when I say that the only reason we limit our sex to human beings is that animals run too fast. Have you ever tried to tap a caribou? I don't care how hot they are with their little furry behinds — it's not worth all of the running. That's why most one-legged women are married to atheists.
I could teach you things like this all day, but frankly I feel a nap coming on.
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