This is something I also struggle with. I've been a confirmed, open non believer for about 18 months but still attended church for a few months. Catholic church too, but fairly liberal if that's possible! I then got to a point where I couldn't do it anymore, it was a lie to everyone there and myself.

I get yearnings for belief at times. When I look at my 7 month old daughter it isn't nice to think that actually, when I die I won't still be able to see her and she won't come and meet me in heaven. My father died just over a year ago and it's not nice to know I'll not see him up there when I go. My wife still attends church and thinks I'll have a re-awakening when the time is right!

But, just because aspects of reality aren't palateable doesn't mean they aren't real.

I have discovered beauty in the world and if anything, it has made me all the more determined to enjoy and maximise my limited time on this rock. I am starting a part time degree in Natural Sciences - I neraly did a Theology degree a few years ago!

Embrace the truth.