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← Religious Olympics

cynicaloptimistrealist's Avatar Jump to comment 13 by cynicaloptimistrealist

As everyone has beaten me to it on the psychological aspects of religion, I am going to return to the base level of religious behaviour. I think the main religions would have to be treated as broad separate disciplines each subdivided into their own specialist categories.

This years London 2012 RIOC events are:


1: ACMT Skeet Shoot (Abortion Clinic Medical Technician Skeet Shoot): Participants wait at the entrance to a womens health clinic, the referee sounds a siren, the doctor then attempts to make it from his car to the door of the clinic while the devout Christian attempts to enforce the "Thous shalt not kill" commandment. The American team are the ones to beat in this event.

2: Synchronised Swindling: Competitors line up at the edges of the stadium which has been filled with spectators chosen for their extreme gullibility and then try to extort as much money as possible using everything from forgiveness of sin to aiding God's work to part the fools from their hard earned cash. The Catholics used to be the dominant force in this event, but in recent years they have been spectacularly eclipsed by the Scientologists and West African Christian groups.

3: The Paedophile Triathlon: The first part is the 100m temptation hurdles, instead of traditional hurdles un-supervised children are placed along the track. The competitor must proceed from the first hurdle - grooming to the last which is abuse. The second part is Moral Gymnastics - This part involves convincing the child that it is God's will and more importantly convincing them not to tell their parents or the authorities. The competitor who reaches the finish line first in the hurdles and produces a silent religious child in the second part takes gold, those arrested are immediately disqualified, while the competitors who are compromised, but transfered to a different lane can re-run the entire event competing for silver and bronze. The Irish Catholic team are the masters of this event, but in recent years they have had some stiff competition from the American and Australian teams.


1: The Adultress Shot Put: A vulberable young woman is accused of adultery and buried up to her waist in the sand pit. The competitors gather in a circle and each picks up a heavy iron ball. Points are awarded to those who can land a killing blow while yelling "allahu akbar" simultaneously. Points are also awarded for inflicting fear and pain on the target. The Iranians, Saudi Arabians and Afghans are all solid competitors in this event.

2: Apostate Basketball: This is a team event. An apostate or infidel is placed in a kneeling position in front of the team and is forced to read a pre-prepared confession of his mis-deeds. He is then decapitated with a slightly blunt weapon and the first team to place a head in the basket while causing maximum suffering and chanting the all important "allahu akbar" are the winners. The Pakistanis, Yemenis and Chechens are the best teams at this event, but in recent years the Iraqis and Afghans have been catching up.

3: Honour Kayaking: Despite its name Kayaking only makes up the final part of this event. A girl rejects her religious traditions/ wears western clothing or falls in love with a non muslim. She is released on the track, her father (with other family members in hot pursuit) must drag her back to the starting line, beat and murder her. The final stage of the event involves disposing of the victim during a kayak race with the gold medalist both arriving at the finish first and evading detection. The Turkish, Kurdish and Pakistani teams are equally powerful in this event.

Pursuant to the RIOC goal of world peace and understanding Israeli Judaism and Palestinian Islam are to compete in their own special events.


1: Land Wrestling: The Israeli team must find an area of the arena promised to them in the sacred rulebook, they must clear the area of non team members or use more aggressive new team members to populate pockets of the area. They must punish any protest from the inhabitants with violence and protests from the spectators with the label of anti-semitism.

2: Bus Jumping: While the Israeli team are engaged in the land wrestling event, members of the Palestinian team must find the bus carrying the wives and children of the Isreali team and then attempt to make it jump using a human bomb. The Palestinian who suceeds in this event not only gets the gold medal, but also has the company of 87 virgins/raisins for all eternity.

Mon, 23 Jul 2012 21:15:06 UTC | #949923