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BREAKING NEWS: Atheist Professor Head of New TERROR MOVEMENT

BREAKING NEWS: Atheist Professor Head of New TERROR MOVEMENT

(BCC) – BCC’s senior political correspondent Robert Nicholson reports that Number 10, for the first time, has declared “militant atheism” a “clear and present threat to the national security of the UK.”

Speaking at Downing Street…

Speaking at the Number 10 press room this morning, newly appointed Downing Street press officer, Baroness Warsi said, “We have received incredible and non-independently verifiable revelation from our insecurity services that the New Militant Atheist Movement (NMAM), led by former Oxford Professor Richard Dawkins, are laying plans, as we speak, to terrorize this country, to destroy everything that we stand for.”

Where are the NMAM?

In a wide-ranging speech accompanied by diagrams and pictures highlighting the command and control structure of the new terror movement, the press secretary said: “the NMAM has spread into cells that threaten to become a cancer on the body of this nation; they are your family, friends, neighbors, and even your former biology professor.”

(Picture; NMAM leader “prof” Dawkins, middle, with beard; Kenyan training camp, near his birthplace. Sam Harris, left, and Daniel Dennett, right, both high ranking members of the movement, can be seen holding pens fully loaded with ink.)

WMDs!!

When asked to elaborate on the nature of the threat, the Baroness said, “Look, here’s what we take on faith about the NMA: they are thinking of, are more than capable of, and, have indeed been able to deploy destructive and, yes, offensive and highly developed weapons in the forms of words and ideas within 45 mili-seconds of you and me and our loved ones. Just this morning, on a dawn raid on an apartment that was recently occupied by leading members of NMAM’s command & control, we found WMD manuals that displayed a high degree of sophistication and, one may say, intelligent design. There aren't amateurs we're dealing with here.”

When pressed on what the manuals were, the press secretary responded, “We are still in the process of deciphering their content, but, having studied the cover carefully, I can say with conviction that one of them, a book which we think is a Bible for this movement, was called The Origin of Species; the other The Selfish Gene. Both books were extremely well-thumbed and in some cases sentences were double underlined – in red! Clearly, we are dealing here with a very advanced threat!”

(Picture; well- thumbed copy of The God Delusion, a manifesto of terror and accompaniment to The Origin Bible.)

How to protect yourself!

Before bringing her speech to end and being whisked away to an undisclosed location for a Cobra meeting, the Baroness gave the nation some words of comfort and advice.

“People need not panic, our insecurity services are praying night and day to thwart this threat. But we all need to be vigilant. There are a few easy steps that we can all take as a nation in this very difficult time:

1) Be alert. The NMAM has infiltrated every nook and cranny of our society. Tell-tale signs of their presence are: people who use words such as evolution and phrases such “decent with modification”. Do not approach these people. Dial 999, pray or -- better yet -- run to your nearest church, mosque, synagogue, or temple and report the matter.

2) Faith or Evidence: do no approach anyone who replies to your comment with: “What’ the evidence for that?” Quickly retreat from that person and repeat adivce in 1, above.

3) If you see a suspect package (see list including TGD, TSG, and TMOR), do not touch it; repeat advice of 1, above.

(Picture; artist’s impression of how to evade and NMAM offensive word attack.)

In closing; confusion

There was mild consternation and confusion in the press pack when, at the end of her speech, Baroness Warsi said, “God bless you, and may God Bless the United States, I mean, Kingdom!”

TAGGED: HUMOR, SECULARISM


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